Many of us were brought up to be the good girl. To obey. To take care of other people’s emotions. To be quiet. To be easy. To avoid conflict.
Great for our parents and our environment. Not so great for us.

Because the “good girl” role comes with a price. You may have noticed it shows up as difficulty setting boundaries, over-giving, perfectionism, and often a need to control things so they don’t fall apart. Not all of that is bad, but it can blur our vision, especially in motherhood.

We get this little human in our arms — such joy, such innocence — and such responsibility! We promise ourselves we will welcome all emotions. Hold space. Talk, empathize, repair. And let me tell you — that is beautiful!

But here’s the catch: good girls are naturally drawn to gentle parenting — and if we’re not careful, we miss the essential skill we need to work on: self-care.

Here’s why self-care is non-negotiable: it gives you the capacity to stay present with big feelings, to say a firm yet loving “no,” and to show up as a steady role model.

And it teaches your child two crucial lessons at the same time:

• Taking care of yourself isn’t selfish — it’s healthy, beautiful, and the foundation of real presence. When you model self-care, you help your child avoid inheriting the “good girl/boy” pattern of abandoning themselves.

• Other people have needs and limits too — and those deserve respect. When you parent from self-sacrifice, people-pleasing, and shaky boundaries, children can learn that others should always bend — that other people’s needs don’t really count — making them inclined to become the “bad girl/boy”, instead of learning respect, reciprocity, and care.

Punch line: Self-care is not something you do after parenting — it’s what makes respectful parenting possible.

So how do we learn to do self-care? We don’t learn it in theory — we do it! We do it by practicing. It is intentional and consistent re-shaping of your moment-to-moment habits: how you slow down before you say “no,” how you bathe your child, how you brush your hair. Is there hurry and tension? Or is there presence, ease, pleasure?

You are tending to your nervous system, your capacity, your limits — because you know your child feels your nervous system state, not your words. When you care for yourself enough to stay regulated, your responses in hard moments become calm, loving, and trustworthy — and that’s what makes gentle parenting actually work.

And from self-kindness, a new way of mothering begins to emerge: loving yet firm leadership.

Your eyes sparkle when you see your children. Your arms and heart are open. You can play, enjoy, connect. And your “no” stands its ground — calmly, unshakably (even if your child explodes). Not as punishment, not as coldness — but as a safe, clear structure that can hold your child through healthy discomfort.

So they don’t grow into a “good girl” — or a “bad girl.”
They grow into a human who can feel, express, respect, and love.